There's A Battle Raging Inside Nobody's Safe From

Home wasn't really as great as I expected it to be. I should realize that a break that short that late in the semester, combined with my tendency to procrastinate beyond what is emotionally healthy, not to mention the dynamic of my household, wouldn't go that smoothly. As should have been expected, it was a rocky break.

Every time my mother and I are together for an extended time, we get to bickering. We both have obscenely stubborn personalities, and we clash terribly, loudly, and often in front of people. I hate it, but it's hard for me to break the personality treat. We get into a tiff, and I can't tell myself that it isn't worth arguing over. I just keep going until we're both pissed off, and nothing gets better from there.

We also have very different ways of dealing with post-argument time. She dismisses everything quickly, pretending like nothing happened, but I can't do that. To me, these fights keep happening because there is something in our relationship that's sparking them. To allow them to pass and not talk about them afterwards only allows the wound to fester. At this point, it pulsing with infection.

One of my uncles is separated from his wife of, well since before I was born. The family seemed to baby him throughout most of the big feast, which I could tell bothered him. He seems happy, which is a good thing, but she was probably my favorite relative. It made Thanksgiving a lot harder for me to get excited about. I understand that this is how life goes in this age, but I don't know what to think about it.

My family seems to be sinking into falsity. There's constant talk behind backs and very little honest questioning. I can see through it really easily, and I think most people are able to. I'm at the age where I'm trying to construct meaningful, honest, real relationships with the people around me, and all my family, the supposed backbone of my life, is providing me with is an example of why most people hate middle school.

On a positive note, I saw Sage Francis with Against Me! over break. They were both great live, and I got to go with my brother, Tim, which made it all even better. Maybe it's just my ego talking, but it seemed like Sage kept making eye contact with me, which threaded me even deeper into his set.

When They Kiss They Spit White Noise

I get to go home tomorrow, which will be glorious since I've been home for a grand total of about three hours since I left in August. I miss my Twin Cities people and the hum of the cities.

Things haven't gone as well as I would have hoped concerning the optimistic "opportunity" I wrote about last time. Things aren't bad, I just got hit with a pretty hard left that I didn't really see coming. That makes it sound like something really bad happened, which isn't true. Basically, we just had different ideas of what our relationship was. No towel was thrown in or anything, it just, well it sucked.

There was a bit of an altercation between myself and a friend of mine over another friend of ours. I was guilted into feeling bad about the person that I am, which I hate feeling. I know that I'm not perfect and that my personality is a little difficult to understand, but I don't dislike who I am and I don't like being made to feel like I'm a bad person. Last night, words alone never could save us.

That's from a Hold Steady track, entitled "First Night." I've been listening to a lot of them lately, I think because of the poetic nature of his singing style. It's almost spoken word, which intrigues me. That, and Craig Finn, the vocalist, is a Twin Cities native, being the ex-frontman of the defunct Lifter Puller. He does some great stuff with his music.

I guess I just want to feel like there is such thing as "home" again. Maybe I'm just running away from the things aren't going well here, but at this point, I'm okay with running. So, bring on tomorrow.

We're Under the Same Stars

I wrote three articles for this week's issue of my college newspaper today. I don't even know what to say about that, other than the fact that I can't believe I'm still typing. By all means I should either be sleeping or, at the very least, enjoying some television. Unfortunately, my roommate is fast asleep, thus making me reluctant to power up the tube and see what's on. It happens.There was a fiction/poetry workshop reading on campus today, one that I had to take part in. It was surprisingly enjoyable. I read the first page and a half of a short story I wrote called "sllipills." It went over fairly well, at least as well as I could have expected for a hallucination story. I was pleasantly surprised by how wrapped up I got in my fellow writers' works. Not to say that I had low expectations, because that was not the case, I just didn't expect to become as grabbed as I was. I love feeling the art around me.

There's this girl...and I dig her...and she digs me...and I hope it works out. There's probably a lot more I could say about the situation, but I don't feel like now is the time, nor this the venue. These situations are when one can really test his ability to act confident and composed when, on the inside, he's a train wreck of hopes, second guesses, and over analysis. Sorry, anyways...

I got back from the newspaper office in need of something to soothe my ears. The original plan was to throw on M. Ward, especially his cover of Bowie's "Let's Dance," but I'm concerned that I'll overplay myself away from that track. It's so gorgeous though, it's hard to steer away from it. Instead, I threw on Karine Polwart's album Scribbled in Chalk. I picked this up for no reason other than iTunes told me I might like it. Tonight was my first play through, and I'm really happy with it. She reminds me of Antje Duvekot. Maybe it's just that I love females who can write and play folk music. More likely, it's the fact that Ms. Polwart is extremely talented.

I mentioned Fink a few posts ago, but I feel like they deserve another nod. They employ a mixture of folk/acoustic foundations with electro-indie sounds that creates a really innovative style. Kind of like The Beautiful Girls with a bit more soul influence. Definitely worth looking into.
After months of hearing things about the film Half Nelson, I finally got a chance to see it. Must say, well done. Ryan Gosling has really earned back the respect I'm sure he lost from being affiliated with The Notebook (never seen it, so I guess I shouldn't pass judgment). Kind of a downer film, like if Training Day was about education instead of the police. I found it fascinating and, as unfortunate as it is, completely believable. With the world we live in, I don't find it hard to understand when people need something to help them get through it. I'm not advocating the methods with which Gosling's character does this, but I do get it.

These are all still old pictures of mine. I need to find myself a tiny screwdriver to replace the back of my camera, which has proven incredibly difficult.

Why Does It Take a Tragedy to Bring Us Together?

I recently received word that Small Towns Burn a Little Slower, the band that defined high school for me, are calling it quits after five years of making music together. These are some of my favorite moments surrounding them and the impact they had on my musical identity.

I remember the first time I ever Small Towns, and I still consider it one of the best shows I’ve ever been to. It was back in early 2004 at the Triple Rock Social Club. It was only the second real show I’d ever been to (the first was Motion City Soundtrack and Rufio with this opening band that I’ve never hear of again, what was their name…oh yea, Fall Out Boy). The show was a benefit for three sisters who had been killed in a car accident. They had been involved in the Twin Cities music scene, and so a bunch of bands got together to throw the benefit. A friend of mine in high school told me about it, so we showed up. I still remember the lineup. We showed up a little late, so we caught Eastside Heroes, December’s Last Words, Small Towns, and Motion City Soundtrack. I remember being so impressed by Small Towns that I went back and bought their EP, at that point a CD-R in a black metal tin with a sticker on it. I still have that same sticker on my portable CD player.

Once, my friend Mike and I drove to some far out suburb to catch Small Towns for free in the basement of a church. They played Peewees Big Adventure in the background for the whole show, which was amusing as hell. Before their set, Danny (vocalist) did a little solo set, in which he played “The Freshman” by The Verve, a Springsteen song, and admitted that he had completely forgotten how to play “A Flower Cross,” the acoustic track from their first EP. Great stuff.

I remember the kick off show for their first big tour with Farwell My Enemy and Ever We Fall. Ever We Fall blew me away. Then, I remember the same bands playing in the back of the Fallout art gallery in Minneapolis. Small Towns closed it down with an acoustic set, meaning me and my pals (Grinaldo, Tim, Mike, and I, affectionately known by the band, mainly Ryan, as the Small Towns Man Groupies) pulled a couch towards the front and chilled for their set. During the show, Adam from Ever We Fall asked Danny from Small Towns to write him a song, so Adam sat on a stool right in front of Danny while being sung to. That was the first time I met Danny’s fiancé. After the show, my mom picked us up (I was young, shut up), and after yelling at Ever We Fall, Adam chased down my mom’s car and gave us all high fives.

Warped Tour, 2004. That was amazing. I remember that we ran into a girl that we saw at a bunch of Small Towns shows right away, and she, in a sugarhigh manner, told us that Small Towns would be playing one of the small stages. We immediately found a couple posters that bands were handing out. One we ripped into what seemed like hundreds of pieces and the other we left whole. We wrote, both on the pieces and the poster, the time and stage that Small Towns would be playing, and roamed around handing out our makeshift flyers and screaming. Their set was amazing and absolutely packed. I still have pictures. Tommy (guitarist) did his trademark “mic stand as a guitar slide” move. My buddy Mike also jumped up on stage at one point and rocked out with Danny.

The video premiere show for “Answers” was intense. They taped a bed sheet to the wall and projected the video onto it. Small Towns absolutely tore the place up afterwards. I don’t know if I’ve ever been to that roaring of a show in my life. That was at the Toybox in Minneapolis. I don’t remember if it was the same show or not, but I saw them their once when Joel (guitarist) had just gotten his Transformers tattoo on his forearm. He was so excited, it was adorable.

The Ascot Room at the Quest was always interesting too. They played a show their once around Ryan’s (bassist) 21^st birthday, and I remember him being absolutely wasted, but funny as hell. They played their with an amazing band called The Exchange once as well.

The record release show for Mortality As Home Entertainment was great too. They had someone introduce them and they entered to the hidden, techno remix of “It’s A Death Curse.” Funny as all hell. The Lifestyle played that show too. I took one of my senior pictures wearing their shirt.

There are so many more memories that are still locked in my head along all of the English Literature that’s trying to take its place. The countless times we screamed along to “Wait For Me Abbey Bernstein,” “Alias: The Beekeeper,” and “Last Blast Off.” All of the times we shouted for “Churches and Hospitals” because it is still one of the best rock songs of all time and then going absolutely ape shit every time they played it because it meant we could feel like we had actually known them from the beginning, and not just since the release of Mortality As Home Entertainment. All of the times I got comments from friends, relatives, and complete strangers on my “Small Towns Stole My Girlfriend” t-shirt. The time I ran into Tommy at Target shopping for hoodies, or the time I saw Ryan and his girlfriend at Kohls with my mom and he was excitedly showing me his new track jacket. All the times I’ve had Danny’s sweaty hear in my mouth because he sought me and the rest of the Small Towns Man Groupies out to sing the chorus of “Wait for Me Abbey Bernstein” with him. I remember the first time that happened and how important I felt for that time because a guy in a band I LOVED had shared the mic with me. How cool I felt a couple summers ago when Tommy invited me to their rehearsal space so the whole band could sign a poster and CD for a cancer benefit gift basket I was putting together. All of the awesome conversations I’ve had with Tommy that have changed my perspective on what a scene can be, not to mention how back home he makes me feel every time I read his MySpace blog, even though I’m four hours away in Iowa. All of the shows I’ve ran into guys from Small Towns at, everyone from Motion City Soundtrack to Rocky Votolato.

These guys made me feel like I was a part of their band’s progression and honestly made me see how important it is to support the local music scene. I will always associate the Triple Rock, the Ascot Room, the Toybox, the entire warehouse district of downtown MPLS, and my musical roots with these guys. To Small Towns, you guys consistently made me feel euphoric at each and every one of your shows, but even more than that, made me feel like I was part of something, be it a band, a scene, a city, a lifestyle, a camaraderie, or a real friendship. I love each and every one of you guys and I thank you for making my high school days the most amazing they could have been, and for showing me that five friends can change the world through their music. As sentimental and heart warming as this is, “Churches and Hospitals” just started playing, and I gotta jump around. Thanks for everything.

Make Art, Not War

They turned the heat on in my building today, meaning that walking into my room tonight was like walking into a mouth. Everything was thick and felt a little moist. I turned it off, so hopefully it'll clear out soon.
Through the advice of iTunes recommendations, I downloaded this album by Fink called "Distance and Time." It's really good indie folk stuff that I highly recommend.

I've been listening to Sigur Ros a lot too, which is just beautiful. Modest Mouse too.

The back of my camera broke, hence the lack in new pictures for y'all. I ordered a new back, which has arrived, but I need to find a tiny little screwdriver to replace it.

I'm hitting up the art store in Iowa City tomorrow, which makes me excited. I really want to go home so I can go to Art Scraps, which I now miss terribly. My thrift stores will be there too.

I was on etsy.com today (it's amazing, check it out) and I found what may be the best belt buckle of all time. I ordered it. It's a turntable, something I feel really needs to be on my waist. It was only $15 and I like supporting individual artists. I'll let you know how amazing it is once I get it.

It Comes Down to This

I went and saw The Darjeeling Limited with some friends last night. Phenomenal. Really, just beautiful work. Wes Anderson's abilities astound me.

I feel myself growing testy, easier set off by things around me. I'm not sure how I feel about that.
The ability to create is the meaning of life. I have accepted this, for now, as truth. A friend of mine gave me a print of Marilyn Monroe's head that they weren't going to use. I went out a couple days ago and bought a cork board and some spray paint. Then, I printed off 27 speech bubbles that I had been working on instead of doing a take home test. The end result is an interchangeable "Marilyn Monroe Statement of the Day" board in my room. Yesterday, she said, "This is Me." Today, she's saying, "Uh, Zoom Zip."

During the same venture that got me said cork board, I also found some string lights for an extremely cheap price. I strung one set around my desk area, and the other underneath my roommate's bed so it lights mine. A great investment if you ask me.

They're offering a Vonnegut course here next semester. I'm excited.